Chronicles of Sake
by TallerThanThou ShorterThanThou
Summary: Sake is amazing. It can give you a hangover, it can take that stick out of your butt, and, it can make you act like a buffoon. Suggestions for chapters are welcomed and might be followed.
1. Just One Cup

_-Sake is a very strange thing. While you say you only want _one_ cup, in reality, you want five bottles._

Matsumoto Rangiku, lazy person supreme, proud owner of a pair of G cups, alcoholic, shopalholic, and Vice President of Squad Ten, was not in a good mood. Rangiku's moods were basically good equals bad, moderate equals good, and bad equals nightmare. Her hand was squishing Haineko's hilt as if she was ready to murder them just for looking at her. Somehow, Kyoraku had convinced her to look at her fan fiction. Normally, when some rabid (and highly contagious) writers shipped it to her, she burned it, cackling manically (as a result, Hitsuguya is now avoiding her nervously). The one she had read was one of the more angsty ones. Matsumoto=angsty? Never. Seriously, what _had_ gotten into the authors? There was a reason that she didn't read fan fiction, you know. Back to the subject of the angsty fan fiction. It was a one shot. You know, the over-abused theme of Gin & Rangiku, the ones where she pines after him like a five year old after forbidden candy that was hid on the highest shelf. Kyoraku now turns green like he had had a healthy dose of Orihime's best cooking whenever someone mentions ashes. At least that gave her some comfort.

When Rangiku was pissed, which was usually never, she goes to a sake bar. When she was happy, she goes to a sake bar. When her mood was moderate, she goes to a sake bar. So basically, she has a huge hangover every single day. Poor Toshirou. But now, she was extremely pissed off. So guess what she did? She went to a sake bar. Kira, Hisagi, Renji, and Ikkaku were already there. Kyoraku had decided that it was too dangerous to come that particular day (best wait until Rangiku had drunk herself silly) and was currently hiding out at Ukitake's place. Then due to _some_ ruckus that had woken them up in the middle of the night (*cough*argumentative third seats*cough*), they had snuck out to sleep on the roof, safely (or so they thought until Kiyone and Sentaro decided to have a contest of who took care of Ukitake better) away from the squabbling little children.

So, Rangiku sat in the sake bar with Kira, Hisagi, Renji, and Ikkaku, watching Ikkaku attacking random people who looked at his blinding cue ball of a head, all the while drinking herself silly. Renji had somehow managed to burn a good part of the bar down. Seriously, you should feel bad for the poor barkeeper, he always dreads the nightly visits of the crew which half of whom had all been in Squad 11 (which was _fondly_ referred to as the Insanity Assylum) at some point. That should explain it. Which hardly helped the increasingly enormous lies of the fan fiction society but Rangiku was too drunk to care. So of course, she went along with the idiotic flow and drank until they were all passed out on the floor.

So when her midgety little Captain, Hitsuguya Toshirou finally decided to come looking for her, she was passed out on the floor. Everyone in Soul Society, Hueco Mundo, and the Living World looked up from what they were doing due to an extrememly loud yell of 'MATSUMOTO'. A strawberry looked up from wacking a Hollow wildly with his kitchen knife of a sword and said,

"Matsumoto must have gone to a bar _again_." It was a common occurrence; every night, you could hear a loud yell of 'MATSUMOTO'. The strawberry shook his head disapprovingly and somewhere, an icon on the computer of a rabid fangirl popped up, saying, 'Ichigo Kurosaki disapproves'. Then, on another computer, a cooking recipe was received:

1. A bit of Toshirou

2. A passed out Matsumoto

3. A tiny dash of Strawberry

4. Enjoy watching it explode

It was then forwarded to a million people.

The next morning, Rangiku had no clue where she was-which wasn't very unusual. After her eyes adjusted to the blinding light, she found herself in the office. With a huge amount of paperwork. Deciding that drinking was better, she headed to her super secret stash of sake. Toshirou came in to find her drunk. He carries her heavy-ass body out of a bar and this is his payment? Wow. Rangiku by now, was drunk.

"Hiya Cap'n Shorty! Want any sake?" she slurred. It didn't help her unfortunate situation whatsoever when she spilled a jug of sake on her short captain. Toshirou, of course lost his temper.

"If you don't get back to work _now_ I will freeze your idiotic ass off," he growled. Rangiku, who was very drunk didn't understand the words. Instead, she threw up on him. As you may know, Toshirou _hated_ being thrown up on. He especially detested a very drunk Rangiku throwing up on him. Didn't she know how long it would take for the sake smell to come off?

"Sit upon the frozen heavens, Hyourinmaru!" A sign was put up in front of the Tenth Division Office:

Caution: slippery. You may bring ice skates. Do not worry. This is completely normal because our Captain has temper issues.

Somewhere in Hueco Mundo, Starrk snored. Lillinette whacked him. He kept snoring. Aizen sighed (because his Escapada were either always sleepy, idiots, mutants with two heads, too slutty, emo, or maniacs) and abused his forehead with a wall and Ulquiorra stared at him because he never knew Aizen-sama was emo like him.

A/N: Like I said, reviews are appreciated so don't be shy peeps! I've tried to write a lot of stories before but I couldn't really think of how to finish them. I really hope I can finish this one. Suggestions will be appreciated and baked in chocolate and fed to a Chappy.

Parody Thingy:

Rukia: Why aren't I in the story?

Me: Patience. I plan to put you in…_sometime_ (cackle)

Rukia: But that could be the last chapter!

Me: Exactly. It leaves many loopholes for me to slip through.

Kon: What about me?

Me: You will be tortured by Yuzu in the next chapter if you still want to be in it.

Kon: …no thanks

Ichigo: STOP CALLING ME STRAWBERRY!

Me: You are a strawberry. Don't speak in Caps Lock, it wastes space.

Ichigo: I DON'T FREAKING CARE!

Me: Of course, you conveniently forgot the fact that I control you in this story, so I can make you do whatever I want like…put you in a ballerina suit and make you confess your love to Byakuya.

Ichigo:…

Rukia:…

Kon: Ha!

Ichigo: (now glaring at Kon)

Byakuya: Did you say my name you worthless human?

Me: Deep breaths, in out, in out. Just leave before I decide to bite you.

Byakuya: …(leaves)

Ichigo: (still glaring)

Me: Lets end it for today before it gets too creepy 'K? 'Cause if Toshirou shows up, I'm dead for saying he has temper issues. Bye!


	2. Insanity Asylum

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Ikkaku woke up to blinding pain. He didn't know why. Maybe because he was drinking-that must be it. Now he had a splitting headache except that didn't seem to cover it. It felt surprisingly like someone was trying to chew his brain (and succeeding).

"Shiny!" Yachiru squealed. Kenpachi stood to one side, laughing his buttocks off, watching Ikkaku squirm. He had to admit the brat was funny. Ikkaku was not pleased. Yumichika stood to one side, daintily applying mascara. Suddenly, in a huge puff of smoke, the author of the fan faction appeared in a red kimono.

"Of course. I land in the Insanity Asylum. What a pain," she mumbled. What was even worse, her annoying side bangs were falling into her eyes. The members of the 'Insanity Asylum' were all crazy. Kenpachi was a bloody lunatic who practically would die without conflict, Yachiru was a sweets-driven-little-pixie, Ikkaku was another lunatic that just happened to have a light bulb for a head, and Yumichika was a narcissistic, gay, ballerina that spent too much time on make up.

"What did you call us?" Kenpachi growled. The Eville Pie scoffed. Then, she smiled.

"The Insanity Asylum. Nice place right? By the way, since I write this fan fiction, you can't do anything to me." The Eville Pie suddenly pulled out a Zanpakuto, still smiling.

"Her name's Akane Ayumu. I suggest you don't cross me. You might be burned to ashes," she said smugly. Yachiru walked up to the five foot three girl.

"Candy?" she asked. Candy appeared out of nowhere. The Eville Pie smirked. I shall dominate this world, she thought. Soon, both she and Yachiru were overly hyper. The Eleventh Division members were never quite the same afterwards.

"What an ugly way to get hyper," Yumichika said.

"I'm plenty more beautiful than you are, gaywad. Even if I wasn't, at least I can still take pride for being straight," The Eville Pie said. Then, being in a particularly Eville mood, she added,

"You may or may not find that your cosmetics have mysteriously gone up in flames." Yumichika shunpoed away in tears. Soon after, The Eville Pie decided her pen name was too much of a handful and decided to be called Pei. She set up a stand in the middle of Seireitei for fulfilling wishes.

_Meanwhile_

Yoruichi was out for her walk when she found Pei's stand. 'Fulfilling Random Thingies', the sign read. Since Yoruichi was a weirdo, she went into the tent at the back. In the tent, Pei sat cross-legged, floating about five inches off the ground in her red kimono and a red turban (for fortune teller appearance of course).

"Hiya. You're Yoruichi Shihoin right?" she asked. Yoruichi felt somewhat creeped out.

"Don't worry. I don't stalk you or anything like that. I'm the author of this fan fiction so I know everyone's names," she explained, as if reading her mind.

"Who're you?" Yoruichi asked. Pei smiled.

"My pen name's The Eville Pie but since that's a mouthful, I demand that you call me Pei…or else." Yoruichi shuddered, seeing the Zanpakuto dangling on a strip of leather in the girl's hand.

"Don't just stand there. Sit on one of those cushions and tell me what you want," Pei said. This was fun. Sometimes, she surprised herself with her smarticles. Pei didn't know how she came up with the idea of going into her story. Yoruichi sat down on one of the cushions, smirking. She had an idea that she would get along well with Pei.

"I was wondering if you could get Soi Fon to stop stalking me," Yoruichi said. Pei smirked.

"Why not? Of course, I'm not going to take advantage of the many loopholes 'cause I'm _such_ a nice person," she said, still smirking. A cookie appeared out of nowhere and Pei ate it, viciously chewing the crumbs. Yoruichi laughed.

"Get Soi Fon to stop being obsessed with me and don't make her fall in love with me or anything like that. I get a feeling you're the type that loves to watch people squirm," Yoruichi corrected. If possible, Pei's smile got wider, her eyes almost disappearing.

"Sure. Now go and spread the news about my tent thingy. I will know if you don't." Yoruichi got up and left. Pei cackled to herself. This was _fun_! Not like the studying her mother bribed her to do. She had never needed that in the first place. Pei always had above an A in something. Rolling her eyes, she decided to plan how to utterly destroy this world. After all, it was purely fictional.

A/N: Yes, I entered myself into my story. Deal with it. Besides, I get to wreck Soul Society, the Living World, and Hueco Mundo. Funnicles.

Parody Thingy:

Yumichika: I do not appreciate your ugly threat about my cosmetics or you portraying me as 'a narcissistic, gay, ballerina'. It's too ugly for my beautiful self! The shame!

Pei: Get over your nonexistent looks already. As on of my favorite characters to make fun of, you should feel lucky that this is only the beginning.

Yumichika: Ikkaku, I'm screwed right?

Ikkaku: Yep.

Yumichika: *faints* (in a beautiful way of course-or so he thinks; he actually plopped to the floor like an elephant)

Pei: What the hell?

Yachiru: Oh, don't worry. That's normal for him.

Pei: Why does that not surprise me?

Gin: BOO

Pei: No, you didn't scare me. I ain't a scaredy cat. And did I tell you to come here Eyeless-kun?

Gin: *still grinning of course* Nope

Pei: Deep breaths, in out. Ignore the idiot and send him into hell. Yes, that sounds quite pleasant. 50 bucks you won't come back out.

Gin: Damn. Bye bye!

Pei: Yes, bye! Don't be shy peeps; review until your fingers fall off from typing! Orihime will attach them back on for you! Biya again! Perhapsies a tiny little dash of Ichiruki next time!


	3. Pink

Ulquiorra sat stonily in his emo corner, reading Cut, an emo book.

"Wahh!" he cried. Why did the main character want to stop being emo? Emoness was fun! Yammy stared. Starrk snored. Lillinette whacked him with her shoe. Gin grinned like the little pervert he was. Tousen muttered about justice. Orihime gawked. Did she really agree to come with this group?

Somewhere in the world, a fan girl sent her Ulquiorra/Orihime fic to Hueco Mundo. A loud explosion was heard several hours later. We shall assume that it was Ulquiorra blowing it up with his Cero.

Ichigo was really bored. There were no Hollows to kill, no one to argue with, and no Chappy pictures to make fun of. So he settled into the boredom that always came with Rukia's visits to Soul Society. Suddenly, Kusaka Sojiro knocked on his door. Ichigo opened the door.

"The author of this fan fiction sent me here so that you could beat me up," Kusaka intoned in a deadpan voice. Ichigo sent a Getsuga Tensho at him, and in the background, cheesy 80s music started playing.

_If you want to see some action, be the center of attraction._

Kusaka disappeared back into the Diamond Dust Rebellion, and Ichigo (poor Strawberry) settled back into horrible boredom. Somewhere in Japan, an icon on the computer of a gay fan boy of Bleach read 'Ichigo Kurosaki-yes, he can kill you'.

One week later…

Rukia still wasn't back yet. Ichigo was starting to believe that the Hogyoku incident was repeating again. Suddenly, a loud 'NI-SAMA I HATE YOU' could be heard everywhere. A Martian on Mars looked up and said 'Ou gyo si?' Don't worry, you're not dumb. We have no clue what it said either.

It turned out, when Rukia went back to Soul Society to visit, she accidentally ran into her brother. Coincidentally (of course, it had _nothing_ to do with Matsumoto), there had been a rumor going around that Rukia was dating Ichigo. People even fondly referred to them as the strawberry shortcake. So naturally, Byakuya (the dude with a ten mile pole up his ass) assumed that she was daydreaming about her 'boyfriend'. That was the reason why that the short Chappy lover got dragged by her brother through Seireitei and back into her mansion. Personally, Rukia thought that he was just mad because no one ever gave him and Hisana a couple name.

The next day, Rukia was much happier and Byakuya had many scratches across his face. He told everyone it was a rabid cat. Lets go along with it so he doesn't kill us all. At least we can save our poorly tangled dignities by not dying by _pink_ cherry blossoms. Imagine the horror it would bring. (A/N: I'm not talking about the dying part, I'm talking about the _pink _part. Pink scares me)

And somehow, a long way off in the world of the Living, Ichigo managed to know everything that had happed. Sometimes, the poor characters in Bleach that would soon be blown up by Pei believed that Soi Fon was an entire group dedicated to spreading rumors.

Now, as you know, rumors can get twisted even if they are the truth. So, as the rumor flew around Soul Society, Hueco Mundo (yes, it managed to get there. We prefer to think that it was the result of Hisagi's highly popular newspaper and not the result of Soi Fon's overly dedicated Stealth Force), and the Living World. It was immensely strange. People and Hollows that didn't even know the strawberry, shortie, and the dude with a ten mile pole up his ass were talking about how a strawberry and a shortie got together, but the dude with a ten mile pole up his ass got jealous of the shortie 'cause we all know that he has some weird fetish over the strawberry. Really, considering some rumors and how much they get twisted, it wasn't that far off from the truth.

Soon, it had been repeated so much that even those present thought that the newly changed version of the truth was what had really happened. That was why the next day, Ukitake plopped down by Byakuya (the dude with a ten mile pole up his ass) and offered him some chocolate.

"It's okay to feel unrequited love. Once, I knew a girl that I liked…" Ukitake trailed off, a dreamy expression on his face. Byakuya fought a battle to keep the hoity-toity-I'm-better-than-all-of-you-put-together expression on his face.

"What are you talking about?" he snapped coldly. It was a wonder that Ukitake didn't flinch. His sickness must have damaged his brain, Byakuya thought. Ukitake patted Byakuya on the shoulder.

"Denial is the first step to admittance," Ukitake said, still patting Byakuya's shoulder in what he clearly thought was a soothing way. Suddenly, Byakuya Kuchiki (the dude with a ten mile pole up his ass) no longer resembled a dignified head of a noble clan. Instead, he looked remarkably like a rabid tiger. Ukitake, seemingly oblivious to the danger, continued in the same comforting voice,

"You should at least admit that you love Ichigo-"

"Scatter, Senbonzakura."

Soon afterwards, an unpleasant snapping sound followed. We shall assume incorrectly that it was merely a dry branch snapping in the wind and not Ukitake's skull. After all, the rumor had not been twisted and Byakuya was not one of the most powerful people existing in Seireitei.

And somewhere in the world, a horde of angry Ukitake fangirls gathered to prepare for war against Byakuya Kuchiki, the murderer of their object of obsession.

A/N: Sorry it took me so long to update-for my readers, which I have no proof of having 'cause there's been no reviews. Damn. Don't complain about the Zanpakuto that I gave myself, it's fun to burn people.

Parody Thingy:

Ukitake: Wahhh! I died!

Byakuya: Good riddance.

Rukia: You finally inserted me!

Pei: Yes, you're welcome. Aren't you going to complain about the rumors?

Rukia: What rumors? (smiles innocently)

Pei: You can't be serious.

And somewhere from the Harry Potter world, Sirius Black materialized.

Sirius: Of course she's not Sirius, I'm Sirius!

Pei: I thought this was a **Bleach** fan fiction! Kill me now while I still have my sanity!

Ichigo: What sanity?

Pei: Burn them all, Akane Ayumu!

Five piles of ashes stared back at Pei.

Pei: I should probably bring them back to life later. Nah, who cares? I mean, it's only a million people that will hate me if Sirius, Byakuya, Ukitake, Rukia, and Ichigo all die by my hands on the same day. Yup, no biggie. Well that's it for today. See ya'll later folks!


	4. Sweet Baby Sister

Byakuya was sure that the current day would be very abnormal and not elegant the moment he woke up. And to him (the dude with the ten mile pole up his ass), not elegant meant that the world had ended. There was a reason why he stole his sister's shampoo you know (at which point Byakuya usually protested quietly that it wasn't his fault it made your hair so shiny). But anyways, back to the point of no elegance.

You do not experience a good feeling when someone dumps a bucket of ice water on you (unless you are Pei, authoress of this fan fiction and mentally unstable). It is also not very wise to hire a servant who is known to plot very evil things indeed unless you wish for your mansion to be completely demolished before five days is up.

Rukia, having still not yet forgiven her brother for the 'Strawberry Shortcake' incident (which then resulted in a number of rumors flying around at surprising speed that she was completely and miraculously oblivious too), had hired a random girl from the 80th District of Rukongai. We warn you never to attempt this because you are not Byakuya's sweet little baby sister and you will not get away with it (and still manage to get a giant Chappy out of the equation).

Somehow, Pei had managed to show up for this from her little tent that had magically appeared in Seireitei. Soon, the three were plotting evilly.

"I say we dye his hair hot pink," the random girl from Rukongai said. Pei stifled a giggle at how Byakuya would look with pink hair.

"I think we should dye his hair pink and turn all his clothes into ballerina customs," Pei suggested, an evil smirk forming on her face.

"I think we should do that and give him some pot," Rukia whispered before the group burst into giggles. In the end, the three adopted the plan. Soon, the conditioner that Byakuya had 'borrowed' from Rukia (she was ready to explode once she found out-she had been looking for it and had been forced to buy a new one) had pink hair dye in it, the clothes in his closet were replaced with frilly purple (Pei refused to touch the pink ones so they had to go with purple) tutus, and pot was slipped into Byakuya's rice (who eats rice in the morning?). Except for the moment when Byakuya almost woke up to find the three girls bending over the rice that was placed on his desk every morning at six o' clock sharp (Byakuya had a habit of waking up at exactly 6:15 AM), the plan went smoothly. Quickly, the girls sprinted away. Pei mysteriously vanished and reappeared in her tent.

As mentioned before, when Byakuya woke at exactly 6:15 AM, he had the feeling that today would be abnormal and non elegant. But, being Byakuya Kuchiki, King of all Stuck-Ups, he ignored the warning. Instead, he ate his rice. At the moment, nothing felt wrong. So, he went to take his customary shower. In the middle of the shower, he went high. Being Byakuya Kuchiki, he still had some control. He finished his shower whistling. By the time he had got to his closet, he had lost all control. He quickly grabbed one of the ballerina suits and dashed out onto the street, screaming like a rabid cat. Yoruichi would have been proud if she had seen him.

Soi Fon was bored. Since, as you remember, she had been cured of all obsession with Yoruichi, stalking her idol was out of the question. Omaeda, the fat lieutenant of the 2nd Squad was actually doing his work, so she had no reason to scold him/beat him to a bloody pulp. The moment that she decided to look out the window, that changed.

"OMAEDA GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE!" she shouted, laughing. That should have prepared the meaty lieutenant for a weird scene; his Captain never laughed. Omaeda jogged over to the window, fat flaps bouncing. He promptly fainted. On a normal day, it would have put the petite Captain of the 2nd Squad in a foul mood for the rest of the day. Right now, however, due to the amusing sight that Soi Fon had spotted in the window, it didn't even faze her. She called her loyal Stealth Force.

"Spread a rumor about _that_. Twist it as much as possible," she whispered. The half Nija half Shinigami nodded and left. Soi Fon herself spread the news to everyone she knew.

In thirty seconds, everyone in Soul Society, the Living World, and Hueco Mundo believed that Byakuya had turned into a second Yumichika. That is to say, Byakuya Kuchiki, King of all Stuck-Ups, the dude with a ten mile pole up his ass, was now a narcissist, gay, ballerina. The thought inspired many, humored many, and disgusted the rest.

Somewhere in the world, a bunch of Byakuya fan girls gathered. They also turned into narcissist, gay, ballerinas in order to honor Byakuya, who staged a revolution in fashion.

Britain was never quite the same afterwards. Whenever someone mentioned ballet, everyone in hearing distance winced.

The army of Ukitake supporters gathered even more densely. Then, as one, they hissed

"Byakuya Kuchiki, King of all Stuck-Ups, the dude with a ten mile pole up his ass, we shall kill you." It was a chilling sight, a million or so girls (and quite a few gays) were gathered in a small clearing between the tightly packed trees in the Amazon Rainforest, all wearing 'I love Ukitake' shirts. They were even more scary than _pink_ things.

Now, we're going to go back to Byakuya. Poor Byakuya was high for the rest of the day. It seemed to him as no time had passed when he woke up the next morning with no memories of the last day. It wasn't until he caught sight of himself that he remembered, with a horrible jolt. And here, the apocalypse started. Byakuya Kuchiki (the dude with a ten mile pole up his ass, King of all Stuck-Ups, Supreme Honorary Icicle) cursed. He spewed profanity after profanity, completely emptying his impressive knowledge of insulting words that were not appropriate for the Head of the Kuchiki clan to say. He, Byakuya Kuchiki was wearing a purple _fucking_ tutu, and he didn't give a _shit_ what the elders would think if they saw him now.

Thinking back, Byakuya thought he would rather not have remembered the unfortunate events of yesterday. Still, there was still the matter of murdering his sweet little sister and her accomplices, the promise to Hisana completely disregarded.

Pei, the random girl from District 80, and Rukia were chatting happily when Byakuya appeared.

"Were you the ones who did it?" he asked, as if he owned the place (which he did). The random girl from District 80 blanched. Pei blinked innocently and Rukia activated her incredible acting skills. Knowing that Byakuya couldn't handle crying, Rukia started fake crying. Byakuya, stunned, gave Rukia a tissue that he had pulled out of nowhere.

"Why would I do that? It was Renji! I saw him do it! He forced me not to tell you! Wahh!" Rukia cried. When Byakuya turned around to get more tissues, she winked at her partners in crime. Pei gave her a thumbs up. Then, she turned around again, faking gratitude for the tissues.

It is a popular legend that whenever Byakuya showed affection of his own free will, a Hollow, a Shinigami, and a Quincy would link hands and square dance to corny 60's music about sex. And, as we know, the only active Quincy nowadays was Ishida Uryuu, who did not take kindly to being forced by what seemed invisible puppet strings to square dance to corny 60's music with Ichigo (his pet hate that he was friends with which made to sense) and a Hollow that he didn't recognize, thank you very much. Thankfully, it only happened once every five years.

So when Byakuya hugged Rukia, patting her on the head, the random girl from District 80 and Pei thought at the same exact time with freaky synchronization,

'Poor Four Eyes-kun and Strawberry and a random Hollow.'

"I'm so sorry Rukia. I should have realized that my sweet baby sister would do no such thing. I will torture *ahem* deal with Renji straight away and you can have a giant Chappy for compensation," Byakuya said. The random girl from District 80's mouth dropped to the floor, leaving poor Pei trying to close it again.

"What the hell?"

A/N: Thank you for reading once again! I had much fun writing this chappie. It's my longest one yet!

Parody Thingy:

Renji: Why is Taicho chasing me Pei?

Pei: Don't ask me! It's not like me, Rukia, and a random girl she hired from District 80 intentionally gave Byakuya pot, replaced his outfits with purple tutus, and dyed his hair pink then lied to him that you did it, still managing to get a giant Chappy out of the deal.

Renji: I hate you.

Yumichika: I wouldn't say that if I were you. *shudders*

Pei: Yes, listen to the gay ballerina. He's experienced firsthand the feeling of being tortured mentally.

Renji: You're going to torture us?

Pei: Only the characters that I like making fun of. It's not that big of a deal. I mean, I'm a _nice_ person and all. I'm only going to maybe chop of an arm or leg, destroy your sense of sanity, and, if you're extremely lucky, completely and utterly wipe you off the face of this planet.

Yumichika: Now do you see what I mean Renji?

Renji: *nods and cowers*

Pei: Bye peepsies! Remember to review!


	5. Enternal Doom Has Begun

All this time, Szayel was patiently waiting for the perfect moment to test his new potion on Grimmjow. As you know, his fraccion were extremely dull. No, he thought darkly, extremely dull was putting it lightly. Fucking retarded would be more accurate. His thoughts took a more positive turn when he began thinking about his experiment. It would prove that Arrancar could in fact, get drunk. Oh, sweet, blessed chaos.

He would show them all, all those ignorant buffoons unfit to smell a rat's shit. He'd get revenge on them all for calling him a girl for his pink hair (which was totally natural) and making fun of his genius. The jealous idiots wouldn't know what had hit them, and then, how miraculously by _accident_ he would videotape them doing stupid things and send it all over the world. He'd like to see if Soul Society would ever take the Aizen threat seriously ever again. Once again, Szayel felt the urge to say something particularly evil, this time out loud.

"Oh, sweet, blessed chaos," he repeated, cackling like a madman. Lumina (one of his fraccion/foods) stared. Had his master finally gone completely insane? No, he decided. Szayel Aporro Granz was already insane. In fact, he was deprived of anything faintly resembling sanity the moment he was born.

As if signaled by some random 12 year old girl writing this story, the liquid in the tube bubble ominously, like it needed to prove to the world it really was poison and not just Szayel's frequent (and rather stupid) hallucinations. Yes, then they would blow up and the world would go into sweet, blessed chaos.

Szayel was far from perfect; he only liked to delude himself into believing that he was perfect. In fact, he was as far as you could get from perfect. Therefore, it shouldn't be much of a surprise that his experiment turned out to be a complete and utter failure unless you are Szayel in which case I am not sorry to have called you a nutcase.

Anyways, Szayel was walking down the halls in Hueco Mundo, in an extremely good mood. Preppy you could call it, if you wish to have your head permanently detached from your body. I suggest that you don't try it unless you are one of those Hollows in The Diamond Dust Rebellion that have freakishly fast regeneration. But of course (at least I hope so) you are not, so it is very dumb to try it.

Back to the point; Szayel was walking down the halls in Hueco Mundo, in an extremely good mood that was borderline preppy. That in itself was not very pleasing to the eye even if viewed mentally and may scar you for life. You have been warned. A vial of neon green liquid bubbled in his hands. If not for its unusual neon green color, its ominous fizzing, the giant skull on the cover, and the death aura radiating off of it, you could have confused it with normal poison. Unfortunately, Szayel does not make normal poison. Actually, he makes nothing but revolting things that are a million times worse than Inoue Orihime's best cooking. Hence the skull on the top. Somehow, the liquid that bore an uncanny resemblance to spinach jelly was supposed to be alcohol.

Here comes the cliché; while handing the liquid to Grimmjow, who had somehow thought Szayel was telling the truth when saying it was alcohol designed for Arrancars, blew up. You didn't see that coming. Sweet, blessed chaos began, though not in the way that the plotter had planned. Indeed, it backfired. You see, when liquids blow up, they tend to…splatter a lot and all the people *ahem*Hollows*ahem* in vicinity are affected and turn into walking, mumbling, bloated, tie-dyed, toads. Soon, the hole of Hueco Mundo (except for Nel and her crew because they miraculously survived…wait! Don't forget the Hollow lizards) all walking, mumbling, bloated, tie-dyed toads. It was not a pleasant sight.

Miraculously, Orihime had survived. Currently, she was wandering around with Nel wondering what had happened. Unfortunately, due to their memory competing with that of a goldfish's, they soon forgot.

All this time, in Seireitei, Pei was creating even more chaos. She had invited everyone (yes everyone) to play Truth or Dare. Somehow, the Espadas were there too, back in their original forms. This of course, was accomplished after some sake was passed out.

It went like this:

"Morning Jiggle!" Pei shouted to Matsumoto.

"Hi Pei!" Pei was momentarily suffocated with…something.

"You want to wreck Seireitei?" Pei asked.

"Sounds like fun!" Matsumoto replied.

Like all good plans, it began with sake. Soon, everyone's drinks were spiked with lots and lots of sake. Surprisingly, it didn't take too long for everyone in Seireitei to get completely piss-ass drunk, though it may be due to the fact that a twelve year old wearing a red kimono was rather impatient to get to the Truth or Dare part.

Now, there they were, in a huge circle in the middle of a random courtyard, wondering what torture they would be subject to. Yachiru was about the only one that seemed to be acting like her normal self. Yoruichi was sitting on Byakuya's shoulder, though he didn't seem to mind (pervert), Soi Fon had strangled Kisuke (Hat N' Clogs) but he had mysteriously come back to life, Kenpachi and Unohana went around holding hands, scaring the people/Hollow for enjoyment. Lets get back to the original plotline before you get scarred for life.

"ASSEMBLED PEOPLE AND HOLLOWS I WELCOME YOU TO TRUTH OR DARE! MY NAME IS PEI AND I AM THE AUTHORESS OF THIS FAN FICTION! THAT MEANS I GET TO CONTROL YOU ALL! YOU MAY OR MAY NOT DIE! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!" A shiver went through the crowd. What had they done to deserve being controlled by an overactive twelve year old wearing a red kimono, who happed to have a Zanpakuto that could burn people, and was armed with a strange but scary imagination? Yes, they admitted rather reluctantly to themselves. They were doomed.

A/N: I'm sorry I haven't updated in so long. I just got back a few days ago from Niagara Falls.

Parody Thingy:

Pei: I feel the need to get in an insult war.

Ichigo: Please, the only thing that you could insult would be a rock; you're on the same thinking level.

Pei: No need to speak. You can insult anyone by just being within 500 miles radius.

Ichigo: You can't get me mad today. It's be kind to animals week.

Pei: Really? Start treating yourself better then and don't go jumping into suicidal situations that you can't get out of. Though I can understand…you would want to get rid of that stupidity wouldn't you?

Ichigo: At least my mirror didn't crack when I looked in it.

Pei: You're completely correct; it didn't crack-it ran away bumping into things because it went blind. I guess it's one of the many that can't stand the sight of such a non pulchritudinous buffoon.

Ichigo: What does punchy-what's-its-face mean? Stop trying to seem smart. All I need to do is waiting for a few seconds then you'll be back to your normal self.

Pei: You have confirmed my trust for wasting medication on ungrateful, numskulls like you. I'm glad you can now string your pointless words into sentences that half make sense. Have fun waiting for infinity.

Ichigo: Infinity isn't a number; therefore, it can be whatever number I want.

Pei: So we're going into the loophole palace? Have fun loosing; if infinity isn't a number, it will never be a number, therefore, your words did not makes sense because infinity isn't a number so it cannot be any number.

Yoruichi: Just give up, Ichigo.

Ichigo: Why?

Yoruichi: Because I'll transform if you don't.

Ichigo: GAAHHHH!

Pei: And now he's gone and ruined any trust that I have misguidedly placed in medications. Bye then! Until next time!


	6. Sanity At Last?

After the rule and consequences *cough*tortures*cough* for breaking them were explained, the game began when Rukia placed a plastic (glass was too dangerous especially with a drunk Kenpachi around) bottle that had materialized from nowhere in the center of the circle. Pei smirked before handing the bottle to Yamamoto.

"Oldest first," she said. As Yamamoto spun the bottle, you could see the rusty gears in his head turning, trying to come up with either a good dare or a good truth. The bottle stopped at Unohana.

"Dare." We think quite a few fainted at that. They had all believed that she would pick Truth.

"I dare you to accept 100 dares from Squad 11 after this game is over," Yamamoto said. Pei giggled with Yachiru. Who knew the old geezer could be so evil? Unohana could be seen giving him the one finger salute before she yanked the bottle from his hands.

"Braid-Lady's scary," Yachiru whispered. Pei nodded. The bottle landed on Rukia, who seemed to be rather frantic.

"Truth," she decided. Who knew what the Captain would have done to her to vent out her anger if she had picked dare? Unohana seemed to be disappointed. In the end, she went with the normal truth.

"Who do you love?" she smirked victoriously as if she already knew how much trouble Rukia would get in. Rukia giggled nervously, glancing a bit at a certain strawberry we all know and worship before turning a little red. The girls assembled began to egg her on.

"Um…Ichigo," she said so quietly that it almost wasn't heard. Unfortunately, everyone there had heightened reiastu, so it carried through their eardrums into their brains (if they had one, no, Yammy is not included). Ichigo leaned over and kissed Rukia. Pei gagged. There was a pause, and it was almost silent except for Pei's gagging then,

"Kurosaki Ichigo, you have .5 seconds to run before I go Bankai on you pitiful ass." Ichigo gulped, looking remarkably like a goldfish. Byakuya glared at him, either unaware or not caring about the stares on him for not only talking above a whisper and swearing. Yoruichi had turned into a cat and was biting Byakuya's kenseikan. Perhaps that was why he was so pissed…or perhaps not, judging from the famous Kuchiki 'you shall die slowly while I cut you to a million pieces' look. Hoping to save what remained of his dignity, Ichigo turned around to face Byakuya. Watching it all as if it was a particularly interesting movie was Unohana and Kenpachi, cackling evilly with a bowl of popcorn that had fallen from the sky. Pei shook her head disapprovingly. On a fan girl's computer somewhere in another world, the video of Ichigo and Byakuya's epic fight was playing (the one that takes place when Ichigo's trying to control his Hollow and where he totally kicks Ichigo's ass…good times). Death by _pink_ cherry blossoms; that always was a good way to go.

"Now, now little children, no squabbling okay? I believe that it's Rukia's turn to spin the bottle," Pei said in a chipper tone that managed to sound scary at the same time, completely disregarding the fact that the 'squabbling little children' were in fact centuries older than her. In her left hand, Akane Ayumu seemed to glow a faint red. The squabbling children sweat dropped and sat down.

The spinning bottle landed on Pei. Rukia smirked evilly and Pei laughed anxiously. What was she going to do to her?

"Truth or Dare Pei?" Rukia asked sweetly, as if she wasn't about to murder Pei if she didn't choose dare.

"Both!" Pei exclaimed loudly. A few murmurs spread through the circle accompanied by quite a few shivers.

"Alright then; truth first. What's your real name?" Rukia asked. A few bent closer to listen. It took all of Pei's self control not to destroy the Bleach world with her Zanpakuto.

"Pandora Ying," she grumbled through gritted teeth (yes, unfortunately, that actually is my name). A few snickers sounded but stopped abruptly when an evil red aura began radiating off of Pei. Rukia paused for a minute for the dare.

"Your dare is to relinquish control of this story and let it run on its own course," Rukia said. Many looked relieved at this; Pei had made it known that she could never refuse a dare. Imagine; if she relinquished control of this miserable story then their lives might be so much more peaceful! But, sadly, it still wouldn't get rid the powers she had given herself; it would only put a limit on how much she could influence the story. Pei was shocked. If she released the story then that would mean that she wouldn't be able to get back out without someone else coming into the story to rescue her! And the war with Aizen would be coming soon…the potion for the transfiguration into toads would only last for another month. She would still keep her powers, and the changes she had already made wouldn't be undone, but still…she would do it and prove she wasn't a coward.

"Fine," she snapped, her eyes turning a brief shade of red. Pei spun the bottle so hard that it nearly flung into Ukitake's (he came back to life) face. It spun for a long time before stopping completely at Byakuya. Not wanting to seem cowardly, he chose dare, regretting it when a demonic look flitted over Pei's features.

"Go to your Koi pond, skin all of the fish and make it into a suit. Then, put the suit on and walk around Seireitei randomly singing the Fillet Fish song while giving out free fish fillets," she said. Byakuya could be seen turning green. Ten minutes later, he was back with the suit on, looking like a multicolored mutant. He spun the bottle, and it landed on our favorite Espada, Ulquiorra. Ulquiorra blinked blankly at the end of the ominous bottle pointing at him. He had seen enough dares to realize that the only relatively safe thing to choose was truth.

"Why do you call everyone trash?" Byakuya demanded (there can only be one me, he added inwardly). Ulquiorra stared coldly at Byakuya for about another ten minutes without blinking.

"Everyone is trash," he said simply. Mutters of disappointment were heard through the entire circle. The bottle landed on Matsumoto, who was too busy gossiping away happily with Hallibel and Orihime. Never mind, he grumbled to himself.

"Lets play something else!" Pei demanded loudly, breaking a few eardrums that mysteriously fixed themselves five seconds later. An hour of blankly staring at random people passed.

"Shouldn't we be training for the war? _Pandora_-" Yamamoto started, now almost entirely sober.

"You call me that and you die. My real nickname's Pie but in this story you shall call me Pei to make it sound more Japanese. Got it?" Pei threatened. Yamamoto gulped.

"As I was saying, Pei said that the potion will wear off in a month. Everyone, go sleep, then train," Yamamoto said. Usually, he would have forced them to skip sleep altogether but he was sure that Pei would blow Seireitei up with her Zanpakuto if he tried to force her to train before she slept.

A/N: This story is actually inspired by a dream where fell into the Bleach universe. I like this chapter. Yes, Pandora is my real name. My parents were cruel back then; they named me after the first woman created according to Greek Mythology. That might have been nice if the name wasn't so damn stupid and she didn't bring destruction on the race of humans by opening that fucking chest. To think I was named after someone who was tricked by such an overused trick! My condolence is that she also let Hope out as well. If you think about it, Pandora would either be shortened to Pan or Dora but I detest both; Pan sounds too much like a culinary device and Dora is well…too related to Dora the Explorer. Therefore, I decided to be called Pie. I'm only called Pei in this story because I thought it sounded more Japanese. Karate will turn out to be extremely useful in forcing…um _persuading_ the resistance to give in to calling me Pie.

Parody Thingy:

Ichigo: Your name's so stupid! (snort)

Pei: Look who's talking; the dude whose name makes him seem like a she-man.

Ulquiorra: I agree with Pei. By the way Kurosaki Ichigo, Grimmjow seems to believe that the only way for him to regain his nonexistent dignity is to fight you to the death. He's coming from that way. Oh, he's already released. What a filthy piece of trash…

Ichigo: WHAT?! GRIMMJOW I THOUGHT WE WERE GOING TO FIGHT DURING THE WINTER WAR! DAMN YOU! HOW DARE YOU RUIN MY DRAMATIC CLIMAX TO-

Pei: What have I told you about using Caps Substitute Shinigami Kurosaki Ichigo, son of Isshin, former Captain of Squad Ten? (death glare)

Ichigo: Eh?? HOLY SHIT MY IDIOTIC DAD/GOAT-CHIN WAS A CAPTAIN?! WHY THE HELL DIDN'T ANYONE TELL ME?! (ignores death glare)

Ulquiorra: For precisely this reason. I believe you have succeeded in popping my eardrums. Congratulations. *sarcasm intended*

Ichigo: WHAT REASON! I DON'T SEE NO REASON NOT TO TELL ME-HE'S MY-

Pei: Ichigo, you have exactly one nanosecond to run before I release Bankai and kill you for real this time.

Ichigo: Eh? You wouldn't do that!

Pei: Watch me; Bankai Akane Ayumu! First Death: Flaming Envelope!

A pile of smoking ashes stared back at Pei after the envelope constructed of flames disappeared.

Grimmjow: Damn you! Why did you-

Pei chopped his head off before he could finish. We apologize for any inconveniences.


	7. Not Even Close

Pei was welcomed by a rumbling stomach when she awoke. She looked around for food, waiting for it to fall out of the sky…wait. She had given up control of the story yesterday during that wretched game of Truth or Dare! Even worse, Yamamoto expected her to be on time for the extensive torturing…um training. So, like any other insane twelve year old with anger issues, she threw a tantrum. Souls/Shinigami on the street soon learned to Shunpo as fast as they could away when being approached by an angry Pei, with her Zanpakuto out and randomly killing for enjoyment. Unfortunately, all those murdered were weaklings, and no one would notice much that they were gone. Pei thought deeply…

If she no longer had control over the story, then that would mean she was stuck there. No one in the real world would even notice because the time in stories was different from real time. At least she still had her powers; they were very handing when wanting something (namely food or people) roasted. Deep thoughts…maybe she would 'accidentally' slip things into people's drinks at training. Yes, that would do rather nicely. Now to find her midget in crime, Yachiru. On second thought, Pei decided against it. There was only so much that a girl could put up with, even if the girl in question was also a sweets-driven-mercenary and mentally insane. For a brief moment, Pei wondered if she could get Hitsuguya to join in on the fun. He was so…KAWAII! Fortunately for him, since Pei no longer had any control over the story, she couldn't make him do any crazy, out of character things. She'd have to go solo this time.

Yamamoto was having a very good day; everyone showed up for extensive torturing…um training, he had kicked some major ass, and Pei had relinquished control of the miserable story. Speaking of the little brat, where the hell was she? Damn her; she was almost an hour late! Yamamoto liked to have everything in order, thank you very much. He did not like lagers or lazy people. There was even a rumor that he had baked one into a pie before…

We are getting off point. The point was that Pei's reiastu was no longer sensible (though he had a nasty feeling she could conceal it completely) and she was probably up to no good. Then again, anything involving the pyromaniac extraordinaire was bad. She was even more pyromaniac than he was-the nerve of children these days, how dare she try to imitate his greatness! And so he wasted another half hour grumbling to himself like the grouchy old man that he was, as Pei completed her evil task. Anyone who had had suspicions of the world returning to normal would soon be proven wrong in an extremely comedic and outrageous way.

It had started out with a few rashes. Then, a few sprouted broccoli. After the first effects wore off, the second ones began. Many started acting like Yachiru, a few like Mayuri, some like Kenpachi, a few like fan girls, and all others like pyromaniacs.

In the end, it was complete and utter chaos, as anything involving Pei always was. We are proud to say that Seireitei would never be the same again.

The next day…

Scene 1:

Yamamoto sat up in his bed, wondering what had happened the last day. To his shock and horror, he was wearing a pink frilly dress. His Lieutenant barged in, also wearing the same expression of repulsion, wearing a red satin, backless, dress.

Scene 2:

Soi-Fon opened one eye blearily, catching an eyeful of…blonde hair and a green hat?! Why the hell was she cuddled into that nasty pervert?! She mumbled something inaudible, probably some swears, before going back to sleep.

Urahara, on the other hand, was faking his sleep. If Soi-Fon had thought to look closer, she would have seen that he was smirking.

Scene 3: Kira woke up in glitter. He didn't know why; he was just covered in glitter.

Scene 4: Unohana didn't know where she was when she awoke, which in itself signified Hell freezing over. Usually, she would remember with creepy clarity what had happened the night before. Suddenly, she was pushed into a tree by something that looked suspiciously like…Kenpachi in a pink miniskirt?!

Scene 5: Momo poured herself a cup of tea.

"Captain Aizen..." she muttered.

Scene 6: Byakuya was woken up rudely by a certain demon cat.

"What happened?" he mumbled sleepily, a bit put off at being woken up from his dream that involved killing all prettier than him.

"Oh, um…we sort of had…you know…last night," the demon cat answered. If he had been more observant in his surroundings, perhaps he would have noticed she was only acting, as she had given away by her smirk. Instead, he sat up, completely awake and fuming.

"WHAT?!" he yelled before passing out. Yoruichi shook her head disapprovingly like the caring demon cat she was not.

"I wonder if I should have told him I was only referring to us drinking too much sake at Truth or Dare last night…" she thought out loud before dismissing the idea altogether. No, that was too kind for someone of her caliber. Perhaps she had been around Pei too much…

Scene 7: Kommamura's eyes closed in enjoyment as he brushed the flea comb through his hair…or fur.

Scene 8: Nanao was pissed. Kyoraku was late for work again!

"How's my darling-"he was cut off with when a thick encyclopedia flew at him, effectively knocking him out.

Scene 9: Hisagi sighed in annoyance. No one was buying his newspapers. Instead, they were all getting their information from Soi-Fon's overly dedicated, and might he add, highly inaccurate Stealth Force! The shame!

Scene 10: Hitsuguya woke up to a hangover. For once, Matsumoto was already in the office before him. If that in itself was not surprising, his hair was now neon green. Just what the hell had happened that night during Truth or Dare?

Scene 11: Kenpachi rolled on something soft. He made the mistake of looking down into a pissed Unohana's face.

"Zaraki Kenpachi, you have 0 seconds to run before I devour you," she said pleasantly, as one might talk about nice weather. Kenpachi blanched.

Scene 12: Mayuri sighed in anger. All of his fine specimens had been released! He had the only one that had maintained all of his memories, seeing as he wouldn't let something as important as his brain malfunction due to something as trivial as sake overdose. If only Pei hadn't dared him to release all his specimens upon Hueco Mundo…

Scene 13: Rukia looked to the little pile of ashes to her left that faintly resembled Ichigo. She sniffled until the real Ichigo actually materialized. She screamed loudly.

"I thought Pei killed you!" she cried. Ichigo smirked.

"Hat 'N Clogs taught me how to use the portable Gigai," he explained, still smirking. Suddenly, Pei appeared.

"Damn. How many times to I have to kill you?" she asked in annoyance. Ichigo disappeared in a Shunpo, leaving Rukia to stare blankly at Pei.

"Are you really going to kill him?" Rukia asked. Pei laughed.

"Of course not; he's one of my favorite characters, even if I do like to torture him," she replied.

So the moral of the story is that nothing can come close to being sane while Pei's still around. It is unwise to even think it would be sane, because Pei will prove you wrong.

A/N: More tortures to come! Wow, I'm updating fast!

Parody Thingy:

Hitsuguya: Why was I drunk?

Pei: Do you want to know?

Hitsuguya: I should assume that I would like to know because I wouldn't ask you if I didn't.

Pei: *whisper*you had too much sake and I hooked you into play Truth or Dare. Then, you were dared by Ichigo to dye your hair green. Afterwards, you confessed your love to Momo. Then, you fought Kenpachi and passed out from sake*whisper*

Hitsuguya: I hate you.

Both Renji and Yumichika: I really wouldn't say that if I were you. She nearly killed us just for saying that!

Pei: *grins pleasantly* Yes?

Hitsuguya: *sweat drops*

Renji: We warned you. You want to go drink more sake?

Yumichika: As long as there is something reflective near. I would like to see my perfect image again.

Pei: That's not weird. Bye peeps!

Demon-Pixie: Review!


	8. The Bloodbath is Just Getting Started

Before you start this chapter, we feel the need to warn you a little. Please, do not attempt this at home, especially with an angry Kenpachi around. Thank you.

Pei was bored. The effects of that little prank had worn off, so there was nothing really to do. Time to do something insane that might destroy Seireitei! Her plan was simple; to push Kenpachi into Yamamoto and watch the carnage begin with a nice, buttery, oversized, bowl of popcorn.

She slowed down her brisk walk to match the smelly old geezer. If she was going to have to endure the torture of not being able to get out of the story, she was outing to make the Bleach characters' lives a living hell. Actually, dead might have been more accurate. Time for payback…no, she did not care if Rukia was her favorite character; whoever dares her to do something so stupid shall 'vaporize into thin air'. Maybe ashes would be more accurate but who the hell cared? Now, for the matter of the actual act…how to do it without being caught? Her problem was answered as Akane Ayumu materialized.

"I'll do it," she offered. Both smirked at the other, already thinking about the bloodbath. Who gave a shit if Soul Society destroyed itself? The two wondered around for a bit, randomly chatting, trying to plot an even better idea, when suddenly, it came to them. Symmetrical smirks appeared on both their faces.

"Who'll write the letter?" Pei asked. Akane rubbed her chin thoughtfully.

"I forge better," she bragged. Pei rolled her eyes before handing her some paper and ink.

_Dear Ukitake,_

_Kuchiki Rukia is a very valuable asset to the Gotei 13. I recommend you consider raising her rank to Lieutenant of Division 13, due to her numerous abilities, Kido, Hadou, Sword-Handling, and her Shikai abilities, ect. I feel strongly that she would do exceptionally well as a Lieutenant, and may abate your third seat troubles by exercising more control over their antics._

_-Anonymous_

"Do you think he'll fall for that?" whispered Pei doubtfully. Ukitake couldn't be that dumb could he? Then, remembering that little incident with Byakuya and his 'love', she decided firmly against that theory.

"Of course," Akane said confidently, as she slipped the paper into the mailbox. The two made a break for it.

Ukitake had just about reached his breaking point when the letter had arrived. Unaware that it was a forgery from Pei and her demon Zanpakuto, he opened it curiously. Come to think of it, Rukia-san would make a nice Lieutenant, he thought tiredly; anything to get rid of those little boogers. He immediately ordered the seal to be carried to Rukia.

Rukia, having had a very normal and Chappy filled day, happily approved, not at all suspecting that two very cunning plotters were behind it all. Word spread quickly (curtsey of the Stealth Force), running wild all over Seireitei.

Byakuya was beyond pissed. How dare that damn Ukitake waste all his efforts to keeping his sweet little baby sister safe (disregarding the fact that she had played an important role in ruining his image to public) just for the sake of getting rid of a couple of squabbling little children, as Pei put it? All the bribes, the threats, and the killings! All gone to waste! And the promise to his darling deceased wife Hisana! He rampaged around the streets, leaving behind a trail of unconscious Shinigami dripping blood. That was when he ran into Pei. A slightly calmer Byakuya would have realized the danger at once, especially since at that particular moment, Pei was practically oozing evil charisma. But, Byakuya was pissed, and he never thought straight when he was angry.

"You know, there's an easy way to solve all of this," Pei said slowly, drawing every syllable out so Byakuya would be sure to understand.

"How?" Byakuya demanded. Pei shared a secret smirk with Akane.

"Why, by pushing Kenpachi into Yamamoto of course. Imagine the blood that would cause; Rukia can't be a Lieutenant if Ukitake's too busy trying to break up the fight," Pei drawled lazily. To any sensible person, the words would have sounded like Pei was trying to persuade them to intentionally cause World War Three (which she was). Unfortunately, Byakuya was beyond all reasoning, and to him, that sounded like the perfect master plan. Thanking Pei profusely, he hurried off to carry it out. The bloodbath is only just beginning, Pei thought to herself. Fun!

A/N: That was fun…review peeps! I'm kind of not believing its that popular!

Parody Thingy:

Akane: That was fun.

Pei: Yes, the plan will definitely work.

Akane: Then we'll show the fools never to mess with us.

Pei: They won't be able to know; they'll all have 'vanished into thin air'.

Both: cackles evilly


	9. War

Byakuya stalked towards Kenpachi, inwardly grinning like a maniac. Pei had given his frustrated mind the correct way towards bloodshed. Bloodshed was good; if there was bloodshed, then Rukia would not be able to be Lieutenant. After all, he could allow his sweet baby sister to get hurt in some silly position (forgetting the fact that he had once been a Lieutenant himself, and the only thing that he had done was dispatching minor Hollows and paperwork). Heaven knows she already attracted enough trouble as it was; that whole Strawberry incident with the Hogyoku, and many others.

Kenpachi stared at Byakuya like he was crazy. Then, an even better idea popped into Byakuya's still malfunctioning due to anger mind. What if instead of pushing Kenpachi into Yamamoto, he encouraged Kenpachi to fight Yamamoto with a few insults from 'Yamamoto'? What he didn't know, of course, was that an evil genius and her Zanpakuto were sitting in a high place, surveying the scene with interest. Both knew that Byakuya would have added his own mix to the plan sooner or later, he was after all, even when delusional, still a tad smart. The plan started well and ended in blood.

"What do you want, pansy?" Kenpachi growled. He would have added many rude adjectives like douche nozzle if Byakuya hadn't seized the temporary silence (and probably the only one with Kenpachi around) to act.

"Yamamoto has charged me with carrying this message to you: he would like to challenge you to a duel and show everyone your idiocy. He also would like to add that you are an impossible little punk that deserves no respect, and he is only battling you to rid Seireitei of your brainless antics forever," Byakuya intoned in his normal flat voice. He was recovering some of his normal creepy sanity, but he was still slightly delusional. Kenpachi sprinted off at Yamamoto with a wild battle cry.

Yamamoto was just enjoying the serenity of Seireitei as it lasted, because he knew too much from prior experience that it never did, when suddenly, Kenpachi came charging at him, screaming his head off. Yamamoto growled and farted an old smelling fart to get his old butt into battle mode. He pulled his sword out and deflected the jagged blade of Kenpachi just in time. Now, as we all know, Yamamoto is quite prone to believing that anybody showing the slightest signs of violence had turned to Aizen's side. So, treating Kenpachi as a traitor, he showed no mercy.

Far, far away, on one of the many pine trees in Sogyoku Forest, Akane and Pei surveyed the scene that they had caused with satisfaction. What was even more amusing to the young evildoers was that it was caused by only a forgery letter and some persuasion to a willing and frustrated Byakuya.

Now returning to Byakuya; who was currently sitting in the middle of a fountain, ignoring the wetness. He hugged his head close to his knees, totally messing up his kenseikan in the process, which by the way had taken 2 hours to put on. Wailing in self pity, the head of the noble clan banged his head in the middle part of the fountain, either not noticing the many Shinigami staring at the 'dignified' head of the Kuchiki clan, or too busy drowning in self wretchedness to care.

"What have I done?" he moaned. Truly, he should have realized that Pei would never do anything so nice as to present him with the perfect plan for revenge. Instead, she would undoubtedly manipulate him into doing her wishes, carrying them out far better than she had intended. However, it was too late to repent; Seireitei was already in a smoldering wreck. Let it be a lesson to all idiots who insist on giving credibility to Pei, who had never stringed two entirely true sentences together in her life. Perhaps the last bit was a bit exaggerated, but you get the point. As to all the idiots who insist on deceiving themselves, heed this warning: beware of The Eville Pie, otherwise known as Pandora Ying, and anything related to her, especially her equally evil Zanpakuto.

In Hueco Mundo, Aizen cackled with Gin, both eating a buttery bowl of popcorn. It seemed like they would have to meet a certain pie in person. After all, it was thanks to her that Seireitei would be so easy to destroy.

The plot thickens…

A/N: Fun! Yummy blood! That was fun. I wonder if Byakuya would actually do that in real life.

Parody Thingy:

Yachiru: Byakuya's crying!

Pei: Really? I wonder why…

Szayel: Are you saying you had nothing to do with it?

Pei: I'm neither confirming it nor denying it. I'll just leave it up to your own confined imagination. *grins innocently*

Orihime: But Pei-Chan, isn't that a confirmation?

Pei: No, that means that I'm leaving it up to you to decide whether or not I manipulated Byakuya into doing my evil wishes.

Ulquiorra: There you are woman. *falls down unconscious because Orihime thought he was an intruder and knocked him out*

Orihime: Oops! I guess I'll just have to make him some of my famous pudding for compensation!

Pei: *sweat drops* Yeah, you go murder him…I mean feed him. I'll just end this chapter now. *backs away from the fuglies*


	10. Hueco Mundo Meet Pei

A hole tore open the sky of Seireitei. Gin and Aizen stepped out. Pei, being psychic, already knew they were there to thank her. Being on the Hueco Mundo side would be fun…completely disregarding her solemn as rat pee promise never to cross over the Hueco Mundo side just because she liked Gin's humor. Besides, there were Espada to torture, Fraccion to abduct, and blind people to prank on. What more could an evil person want? So, with that in mind, she walked straight up to the two evil geniuses, looking rather short in her 5'3'' height, despite her high heeled boots which added about 2 inches to make 5''5'. Pei did not like feeling short, but that was how she felt when she stood next to the too ridiculously tall men. Hands twitching towards Akane Ayumu, she resisted the urge not to chop two feet off the men's height.

"Are ya Pei-Chan?" Gin asked. At least someone had the manners to ask, she grumbled under her breath, in an extremely bad mood due to her shortness.

"Yeah," Pei said, still resisting the urge to chop off those unnecessary two feet…

"Thank you for helping us wipe out Soul Society," Aizen said, smiling. Pei smirked.

"Anytime," she answered. She followed after the two ridiculously tall men that she had a good reason to suspect were gay into the Garganta, much to the horror and shock of many Bleach characters. Imagine the nightmare it would be for them if she actually helped out Hueco Mundo! Pranks and booby traps everywhere, incarcerated people, and little piles of ashes that faintly resembled human shapes. What would they do?

Meanwhile Pei was having the most fun that she had ever had. Already, she had come up with multiple nicknames for everyone.

"Super-Gay, when are we gonna eat?" she asked for the millionth time. Aizen sighed. He would have to put up with _that_ to gain her ultimate powers of burning people? Oh well, he had already offered her a spot on his side, and no doubt she would at him to her ash collection if he kicked her out.

"The food is ready, Aizen-Sama," Ulquiorra mumbled. Pei whined like a spoiled five year old.

"Everyone here's so uptight! To hell with manners!" she complained. Ulquiorra sweat dropped. Aizen made a frantic gesture at him, signaling him away from the hyperactive authoress. Too late, Pei had picked up on it and decided to torture them further.

"Does anyone here know how to play soccer?" she asked. Ulquiorra and Aizen stared blankly at her. Pei sighed.

"I didn't think so. You wanna learn how to?" she asked. Aizen sweat dropped.

"Perhaps now is not the best-"he was cut off when Pei viciously slapped him with the hilt of Akane Ayumu. Completely deaf to Ulquiorra's protests, she dragged him through the many hallways of Hueco Mundo, managing to gather all the Espada in the desert. This would be fun.

"Now listen up! There are many ways of playing soccer! The normal way with rules and regulations, or the Pei way with no rules except everyone for their selves! Maiming is allowed but killing isn't! You can score by getting the ball into the goal! Harribel and I will be team captains since the rest of you are all stupid. You can go first," Pei boomed into a megaphone.

"Szayel," she finally decided. It would be useful to have someone that could tinker with the mechanics of the opponents' Reiastu. Pei sorted through the crowed.

"Ulquiorra," she said. Then he could go into Batman form and kick ass!

The teams ended up being Harribel, Szayel, Aaroniero, Yammy, Nnoitra and Pei, Ulquiorra, Grimmjow, Zommari, and Baraggan. Stark was left alone because no one wanted to wake him up. Let the death begin.

A/N: I wonder who will win. I'm kind of said there's no maiming allowed.

Parody Thingy:

Pei: Our team rocks! Yours doesn't!

Harribel: Our team's better!

Stark: *snores*

Nnoitra: We're not gonna be beat by some punk-ass 12 year old kid!

Pei: I dare you to run that by me again.

Nnoitra: Anytime! We're not-

Pei: Hadou 90; Kurohitsugi!

Nnoitra: *stumbles out all bloody and faints*

Harribel: Was that really necessary?

Pei: Of course.

Nel: WHAT DID YOU DO TO HIM? WAHH! BLOOD!

Stark: Huh? What where why when how?

Pei: I guess we'll have a referee now.


	11. Soccer or Sock Her?

There is something that you should know about Pei's 'rules' before you read on. As you know, Pei is a very violent person. Therefore, most all of her rules were violent or psychologically painful. Playing soccer the Pei way would most surely get you killed-unless you have an absurd amount of Reiastu to waste on trying to stay alive in a game that resembled football with swords multiplied by one million. The rules were extremely simple; get the ball in the goal to score and anything goes except killing. It wouldn't have been half bad and even fun if played with humans. Unfortunately, Espada were not human, and Pei had given herself Shinigami powers. Just imagining the gore made her smile.

As Stark blew the whistle, Pei got the ball. She shunpoed at top speed down the court (she was currently playing center) to the other side. Yammy tried to steal the ball from her, sword drawn. Pei simply dodged and left Yammy to fall to the floor in super-slow motion from the force of charging full speed at Pei. The ball flew towards Nnoitra (Harribel's goalie)'s face at one billion miles per hour, ignoring the fact that Nnoitra did not like to be hit by soccer balls flying at him at one billion miles per hour.

The first injury was Nnoitra's broken nose. Nnoitra glared at Pei, who was still wearing her customary high heeled boots. If a little brat like her could kick ass in high heels, then so could he. He snuck up behind her with an oversized sock and attempted to stuff her in it. Pei allowed him to get the sock right above her head before leaping on his back and karate chopping his pressure points, causing the poor spoon to lurch every other second.

The game of suicide style soccer paused momentarily to watch the tall spoon get beat up by a five foot three girl before returning at full force. Nnoitra, who was paying more attention to the surroundings than Pei managed to dodge the green Cero from Ulquiorra, who had been trying to steal the ball from Harribel. Pei, however, was too preoccupied in poking the spoons pressure points to notice. She took the full blast to her face, completely ruining her usually immaculate appearance. An outraged Pei flew out of the smoke, attacking all with wild kicks and punches, no longer caring if she was hurting her team. When she finally calmed down, Szayel was in possession of the small ball that had caused so much blood. Her red, knee length kimono ruined, and her shoulder length hair singed, Pei fumed like any other twelve year old with temper issues. She flung herself at Szayel, knocking him to the ground before dribbling the soccer ball down to the goal and passing to Zommari.

With the game now 3 to 1, Pei was concentrating too much on how to make up for the two points to notice the entire Harribel team sneaking up on her. They proceeded to stuff her into the oversized sock that Nnoitra had been attempting to do the same with. Pei was furious. No one, she repeated, no one, got away with stuffing her in a smelly old sock that was made for Godzilla. Did she mention that the sock was pink? Pink was absolutely the worst color in existence, and that only added to Pei's already erupting temper. She raised her impressive Reiastu to one quarter strength, knowing that would be more than sufficient to blow five feet radius up. However, to her growing horror, the bag suppressed Reiastu. Well, she did say that anything would go. What would her team do without their most violent player? Then, she realized that she could just pull out Akane Ayumu and saw her way meticulously out, a task she was not looking forward to performing.

Once out, Pei released full Reiastu, glaring murderously at all the Espada. Stark shifted in his sleep as if realizing that a murderous demon was out to get them all. Then, coming up with an even better plan, Pei waited patiently, going along with the soccer game and slashing many with Akane Ayumu in the process. Soon, very soon, Hueco Mundo would self destruct. She couldn't wait until then.

That evening, Gin went to his room to find a letter on his drawer. He scanned the flowing script hungrily, nodding and smirking. Yes, that would be fun. It was time to prank Hueco Mundo into Hell.

A/N: I'm gonna break my own rule about the Caps Lock. YOU PEOPLE AREN'T REVIEWING! WHY AREN'T YOU REVIEWING? I'M SAD! Oh yeah, it's the Christmas Holiday from school. A lot of you are on vacation. I'm gonna go to Mexico…swimming, scuba diving. What's not to look forward to? Oh, by the way, Demon-Pixie's coming too so we won't be back for a long while cause my favorite older cousins invited us to this five star hotel. They sent us a picture too…so pretty with a pool in the back. See y'all when we get back January 15th!

-The Eville Pie

We're leaving *checks clock* for the airport in twenty minutes. I need to do some last minute packing because well I'm traveling with Pie. She can't be trusted. There was this time she put a toad in my luggage. And this other time it was a bunch of worms. You get the point. I am not looking forward to time switch. Oh, her cousins' are already here! I need to go say hi!

-Demon-Pixie

Parody Thingy:

Ichigo: So you demons are leaving for a while.

Pei: Yes, but in the story, I'm still trapped here so in reality you guys won't be tortured in a while but actually, the time of the story will just freeze until we get back.

Ichigo: Huh?

Demon-Pixie: Too complicated for you to comprehend?

Pei: Nah, don't even bother. He won't be able to understand the genius minds of us if he can't understand a beetle's.

Ichigo: WHAT?

Pei: Once again, I shall have to be a hypocrite and kill you for talking in Caps Lock. Burn them all-eh? Where did that bastard go?

Ichigo had run away. We the miserable Espada apologize for inconveniences and beg you to spare us the misery of staying longer with Pei even if time freezes for the story world.


	12. Torture of the Spoon

Pei figured that the first Espada she should torture would be Nnoitra (The Spoon). After all, he was responsible for her third degree burns. Maybe she should steal one of Szayel's fraccion/foods…

Szayel's fraccion foods tasted a lot like socks, Pei mused, fondly remembering the time when she had been introduced to the taste of socks (it was when she had bit someone on their foot). Wiping the last drop of purple from her chin with a long ribbon extruding from Akane Ayumu's hilt, Pei smirked to herself. Akane, needless to say was pissed. She swooshed from the katana with a burst of flame and loudly berated Pei for her decision. Pei sighed. Sometimes it was a drag to have a Zanpakuto so similar to her. It was a wonder how two such territorial demons could have ever survived their first encounter not counting the ones needed to train for Bankai and Shikai. Reluctantly, Pei offered Akane a part in her overcomplicated scheme. She had been hoping to be left alone for a while. It did get frustrating talking to yourself.

Demon number one and Demon number two as they had become known were busily plotting world destruction (it was purely fictional) when a certain eyeless fox intruded. Akane glared at Pei for inviting the little viper. Pei paid no attention to her judgmental Zanpakuto and offered Gin a seat.

"Now, we all know why we're here," Pei stated as she wiggled around on her mat until she got comfortable. There was a meaningful silence where you could see the well polished gears the evildoers' minds' turning. Within minutes, the council of the Demons had closed with a mutual plan.

Thirty minutes later…

Nnoitra was tied up by his feet with a length of secure iron chains to the ceiling of one of the many overdone domes in Aizen's palace. Akane, Pei, and Gin each sported a large bucked of spoons sharpened to a point for their throwing contest.

"Alrighty then; 500 if it goes through his hole, 400 if it hits his other eye, 300 if it goes in his mouth, 200 if it hits his you-know-what, 100 if it gets his ears, 50 for the nostrils, and 10 anywhere else," Akane happily sang. She was in her element. Evil, torture, and mass-scale destruction; what more could a Zanpakuto want (at which point Pei muttered sushi)?

Gin threw his first spoon. It sailed through Nnoitra's Hollow eye. Nnoitra glared at them all until the second spoon (courtesy of Pei) slammed into his…penis with the force of a steam train.

"FUCK YOU DIPSHITS! I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS!-"he shouted only to be interrupted as the third spoon (Akane) pierced his tongue.

Gin grinned like he had just won the lottery.

"Looks like I'm winning," he smirked. Unfortunately for him, Pei had extremely good aim and had only missed the Hollow hole for the hell of hitting him in the nuts. As Gin's second spoon sailed towards the Hollow eye, Pei's spoon knocked it out of the air and turned at the last moment to clunk painfully through Nnoitra's eye with a bit of help from Pei's reiastu. Gin pouted. Now he was losing by two hundred points.

"No manipulating your reiastu," he whined. Akane glared that the source of the irritating noise before she too threw her second spoon to nail the other eye of the poor spoon. Spoon twitched in agony as his many spoon throbs burned. Damn those brats. And just where the hell had Demon number one and Demon number two learned to combine some of their reiastu with their projectile weapons…I mean spoons? Now he had many bruises and numerous first degree burns.

"Let's question him now," Gin said as identical innocent smiles spread across the plotters' faces.

"Does the shopkeeper of the silverware store ever try to capture the first talking spoon in all of history when you walk in?" Pei asked. Nnoitra merely glared at her all the while silently cursing her in his head. Who knew what Demon number one would do to him if he said it out loud? Gin chucked his next spoon at the unfortunate Quintero Espada who failed miserably in dodging. Instead of slapping his normal eye like the fox had intended, it hit him full throttle on the nose. The walking spoon howled in pain. Just what he needed; it appeared that the demons had taught the fox how to combine reiastu with projectile weapons…spoons.

"Once," said Nnoitra, deciding that actually answering might spare him some misery.

"My turn; was your mother an overgrown mantis that ran away with a spoon?" Akane chimed in on psychologically torturing the spoon.

"NO! WHY THE FUCK-"Nnoitra spluttered as Gin threw some soap into his mouth. The three glanced at each other. One down, nine to go.

By the time Nnoitra made it out of the torture room, he had turned into a cross-dresser.

A/N: Wondering how the hell we are updating? My mom got me a new laptop and I sent all of story files on there so now I can update during my vacation. It won't be as often as usual 'cause we're really busy with scuba diving and shit. Bye!

-Pei

Parody Thingy:

Harribel: Care to explain why Nnoitra is cross-dressing? *crosses arms angrily*

Gin, Akane, and Pei: *stares at each other and giggles*

Gin: Oops, I guess she caught us!

Pei: Originally, I had been hoping to spare her.

Akane: That however, is no longer an option.

Gin: Shoot to death, Shinsou!

Akane: Burn them all!

Pei: Hadou 54: Haien!

We apologize to all Harribel fans. It was totally necessary and not at all overdone.


	13. Season to be Bloody

"WHAT?!" Aizen screamed in outrage. Once again, Pei had proven herself to be nothing but trouble. Pei merely picked at her forest green Santa dress as an answer. Sure, she had signed them up for caroling in Soul Society but was it really that bad? Besides, there was karaoke afterwards. What could go wrong? Maybe it was the fact that she had also signed up the Shinigami Women's Association? Maybe because they were busy assigning teams and handing out lists with what to do?

Before long, the entire Hueco Mundo crew was on their way to Soul Society due the threat of Pei dragging them there by their ears. Pei ended up being in the group of Matsumoto, Nanao, Nemu, and Rukia. The five grinned at each other, looped hands, and skipped away singing 'Deck the Halls', paying no attention to the frantic calls of the Espada to be saved from this torture.

"You're carrying the moneybag," Matsumoto said as she shoved a sack into Pei's hands.

"Why the hell do I have to carry it?" she whined. Matsumoto gave everyone there a shrewd look. Nanao sighed. She did not like where her friend was going.

"Me-G cup, Nanao-C cup at best, Nemu-D cup, Rukia A cup, and I'd say you have an A too but you probably stuff yours," Matsumoto lectured as if it was knowledge needed to survive in the world. It looked like Pei was about to explode when suddenly, Pei smiled sweetly at Matsumoto like the angel she wasn't.

"And do you stuff yours, Rangiku?" she asked.

"Of course not!" she answered indignantly.

"Then why would you assume that I stuff mine?" Pei retorted. Matsumoto sighed. She guessed the bag wouldn't get too heavy. Unknown to everyone, the ever ingenious Matsumoto had slipped ten bottles of sake in the bag.

As they had gone through their first carol (Still, Still, Still) and collected the money (20 yen-they were surprisingly good), the group sat down to bicker. The next song also had multiple parts (Ding Dong) and they couldn't decide who got which.

"I want the high part," Rukia decided. Pei glared at her. How dare they? She was the Soprano 1 there!

"No! I get the high part! You're a Soprano 2 and I'm a 1! You can get the melody with Rangiku!" Pei argued. Nemu sighed.

"But I wanted the melody," she whined. Nanao glared at them all.

"Pei gets the high part, Rukia and Nemu get the melody, and Rangiku and I will get the low part," she ordered as if daring them to disagree. Just as a fresh argument started, Matsumoto decided it was her moment of action.

"Come on! We just got 20 yen from 10th Division! We should be celebrating with a bottle of sake!" Matsumoto chided. She took the sake and cups out, handing one to all gathered and poured a generous amount in each one. Inwardly, Pei smirked. Like she would fall for some harebrained plot to get them all drunk. No, she, the master of all plotting, would stand by and watch everyone else get drunk and do stupid things. So she pretended to sip from the cup. When everyone else took theirs, she quickly dumped hers on the tree. Soon, everyone excluding herself was piss-ass drunk. Time for karaoke, Pei grumbled to herself as she dragged them through the snow. What a pain.

By the time she actually got them all to wake up, karaoke was starting. It was then that the disaster struck.

As you know, the Captain of Division 8 is quite prone to drinking sake as a form of celebration. Was it really that much of a shock if we told you he was completely drunk and had hooked Ukitake into drinking too much too?

"What shud we do dow?" Ukitake slurred as he stumbled into a pillar.

"We shud go dow tomshing fun," Kyoraku quipped, equally as drunk. It was in that state that they stumbled upon the Shinigami Women's Association's Santa Dress orders.

"No," Ukitake protested (even being drunk, he still had some sense not to mess with what would surely become more than 20 murderous women) as he saw the smirk come across Kyoraku's face. However, his warning came too late. His drunk, idiotic friend had already messed up the orders. Instead of the neat check in the box that said Santa hats, there was now a check by the box 'Mrs. Claus Outfit'. May Yamamoto save his soul, thought Ukitake as he fled the scene.

"When are the hats gonna arrive?" cried Yachiru. Pei shrugged. Then, a large box was dropped off at the front door of the karaoke bar. It was then carried up by Nemu and opened by Rukia. The whole noisy room fell into silence.

"WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?" Pei screeched as she held up a dress that would have made no difference between wearing it and going naked. Matsumoto frowned at the angry twelve-soon-to-be-thirteen year old (my birthday's January 1st).

"Personally, I think it's cute," she squealed.

"I'm not wearing this," most of the room agreed.

"Everyone who wants to change, then change. We're resuming karaoke," Nanao shouted over the ruckus. When finally everyone was silent, they started the game of B.S. karaoke version.

Pei smirked to herself. She owned this game.

"One ace," she called as she threw down a card. Yachiru continued with two twos. The game flowed smoothly until Rukia said 'B.S.' to Ulquiorra's four fives. Ulquiorra frowned as he stomped over to the TV.

"Put it on shuffle," someone called. Ulquiorra grumbled and pressed the shuffle button.

"What song?" someone asked.

"Pieces by Sum41," Pei replied, still smirking. She wondered how Ulquiorra sang. Unsurprisingly dull was the answer. Instead of singing along to the words, he merely read them out loud to the beat. By the time the song was over, many were covering their ears, what few manners they had picked up from the piece of poop all forgotten. The game continued until mostly everyone had had a turn at the TV of torture (karaoke). By that time, many eardrums were bleeding and Pei had called a break.

"Let's do normal karaoke," she suggested to much cheering. Normal karaoke was defined as karaoke where you had to be good at singing to actually sing without someone snatching the microphone from you and singing themselves.

"You're going first then," Matsumoto smirked. After all, she was one of the only ones that hadn't sung during B.S. karaoke. It was only fair. Pei mumbled something intelligible (probably hoping for a good song) before pressing shuffle. Luck was not on her side as 'Sexyback' by Justin Timberlake appeared on the huge plasma screen. Pei was not singing that. Seeing that no one had yet noticed, she discreetly pressed shuffle yet again. Luck was on her side this time, she thought as 'Decode' by Paramore appeared on the screen.

"How can I decide-"she wasn't even halfway through the first line when a large crash was heard from the first floor. Paying no heed to the others that were trampled over, a horde of confused women pushed out from the rented room and nearly trampled over the two very drunk men as well.

"Teehee Jyuu-Shan. I tolsh you they'd wear dem," Kyoraku slurred. Not all of the assembled had brains, but they certainly possessed more than enough between them all to decipher what the two drunken idiots were talking about the pieces of one by one cloth..._dresses_.

"You shizzn't ha shad tad," Ukitake whimpered as the horde of angry women glared at him. There was a silence.

"CHARGE!" Pei screamed amid the feral growls.

A/N: I'm sorry. I couldn't resist putting more violence in. But did you enjoy the Christmas special? Okay: Trivia Time! Whoever gets this right first gets to go in the next chapter! Please send info about how you want to be portrayed and what you want your name to be with your answer. The category is…FINAL JEPOARDY BLEACH! Name all Espada powers and release commands! Also name which aspect of death each one symbolizes! Bye! There will be more at the end of every month.

-Pie &Demon-Pixie Live from Mexico

Parody Thingy:

Hisagi: Yes! My turn has come for an interview that I can use to further spread the popularity of my newspaper!

Pei: *stares blankly* It's nice to know I'm being used for your further advancements. What do you want from my life?

Hisagi: *checks list* Okay, what's your favorite color?

Pei: Red.

Hisagi: Why are you so violent?

Pei: Born that way.

Hisagi: Are you allergic to anything?

Pei: The spectrum of human emotion. Why are you asking me these pointless questions? Why not just skip to the point and ask me how to get the Shinigami Men's Association more money or how to make your newspaper more popular?

Hisagi: Yeah, good point. Why? *leans in hoping to hear some awesome wisdom*

Pei: You can't because they both suck.

Hisagi: WHAT TYPE OF AN ANSWER IS THAT YOU LITTLE DIP-*Pei stuffed a cloth in his mouth*

Pei: You people never learn. Oh well, they do say you can't teach an old dog new tricks…*snickers*

Hisagi: ! *trying to cuss Pei out*

Pei: Bye! Remember to do the trivia!


	14. Old Man's Bane

As you may have heard, Baraggan was a fat, gas filled old man that liked to pretend that he was king. That was why, instead of risking a crack on one of the many overly sculpted domes of Los Nochles, Gin simply chained him to a chair. All was going well until he farted. Pie scrunched up her nose. It smelled like her chicken burrito that had mysteriously disappeared two hours earlier.

"Did you eat my burrito?" Pei asked dangerously. Baraggan stared at her like she was some little insect he could crush between his fingers.

"Of course I did, you insignificant insect-not that it matters. You should be proud that the God has eaten your burrito," Baraggan replied haughtily. Pei twitched and suddenly, Baraggan began squirting blood.

"I thought we said no maiming," Gin whined. He was silenced when both Akane and Pei glared at him. Gin wisely chose to remain silent while the two demons plotted the entire Bleach world's demise all the while gripping Shinsou too hard.

"Why don't cha question 'im now?" Gin asked. Anything to get the demon's attentions off of him.

"Do you ever brush your teeth?" Akane asked. Baraggan glared at them all, Gin in his fox ears (Pei had forced them on him), and the two demons in their red kimonos. Indeed, everything was going to plan; people were annoyed, and many were mystified as to why the Quintero Espada had suddenly developed a taste for cross-dressing. Gin pulled out a bottle of mouth wash. On the count of three, they all helped shove it into Baraggan's mouth. Baraggan was, needless to say, shocked. He had been chained to a chair, tortured to the brink of insanity, and now they were ruining his death breath? Just what did the gods have against him? Against his pride, Baraggan decided to answer. Anything but the torture.

"No," he replied. Gin smiled.

"How old are you?" Pei asked. Before he even had time to answer, Akane butted in.

"You must be incredibly old to be a skeleton right?" she sang. Baraggan gritted his teeth.

"LMAO," Gin said. All was going according to plan. Baraggan stared on confusedly. What did LMAO mean?

"What does that mean?" he asked. Gin grinned secretively. Pei smirked knowingly, which only fueled the curiosity bubbling up within the Espada. He was going to find out what those filthy brats were talking about.

"LBR," Akane added. Pei nodded.

"Totally. BRB," she said as she skipped out the room for some food. Shortly later, she returned with Aizen's 'secret' stock of sake. Baraggan twitched. He didn't know what those brats were talking about, but he certainly didn't like it. Suddenly, a red mist appeared. Everyone stared except for Pei, who didn't really seem to be shocked.

"Looks like the reviewer that answered the trivia is on her way," she muttered. Akane shrugged as Gin in fox ears looked on bewildered. Out emerged a blonde glasses wearing girl. She appeared to be excited about something or other.

"Oh my gosh! I can't believe I actually made it here! I thought I'd get something wrong because I didn't check my answer on the trivia!" Cat yelled. Akane twitched. The grating voice was already getting on her nerves. Gin kept smiling with difficulty, and even Pei looked a little puzzled. Cat, seeming to notice the hostility tried to walk over to the group-and tripped over a beetle.

"GWAHH!" she cried as she landed on Baraggan's face. The three were now trying hard not to laugh.

"Now I get what she meant when she called herself clumsy," Pei whispered to the others. Akane, already over her first impression of this so called 'Cat' by now (partly because she landed on Baraggan's face) helped Gin untangle her from the remains of Baraggan's crown. Now, the torture would begin.

"So, tell me Cat, do you like to torture people?" Akane asked. Cat looked nervously about.

"Um, not really. I mean, I like watching them squirm when I'm reading, but it's probably different to experience firsthand…" she trailed off. Akane glared pointedly at Pei. Pei shrugged. Gin whined loudly about not torturing Baraggan enough.

"Oh, once you start, you'll get into it," Gin reassured. Cat looked more comfortable now, gingerly picking her way over (and tripping several times) to the demons and sat down.

"We'll show you how it's done," Pei said as she grabbed the bottle of sake and poured its entire contents down the unfortunate Baraggan's mouth. Cat looked on concerned.

"But isn't that gonna choke him?" she asked. Gin sighed.

"Be quiet and learn," Akane snapped as she joined Pei on teaching Baraggan text language. Gin gave her a half hearted encouraging smile before joining the rest of the torture crew. Cat decided she might as well spend her chapter well and join in. It was a lot more fun than she had expected.

"So LOL means laugh out loud," the drunk Baraggan slurred.

"And LBR means loser beyond repair, or loser, bitch, retard, depending on who's using it," Cat chimed in. Who knew being evil was so fun? Akane looked on approvingly. Gin was laughing. Pei gave Baraggan a complete makeover, and the four pushed him out of the torture chamber. If not for the lack of certain…areas and the fat sagging everywhere, he could be mistaken for a girl.

Somewhere in the world, a person reading this cracked up. Then, they got really surprised that the authors knew they were laughing and fainted.

Sightseeing with Akane Ayumu, The Eville Pie, and Gin was something to be avoided. You see, when you sight see with the demons, it usually involves a lot manipulation and pranks or maybe the occasional bobby trap. It was then that this already insane story took on even more insanity. When you place two demons, a Gin wearing fox ears, and a semi-fan girl together, the recipe had a 200% guarantee of blowing up in your face. And that was exactly what happened.

The tour had started off well enough. Until they reached Ulquiorra, the Batman in disguise (maybe). Suddenly, the unfortunate Espada found a rabid girl clinging on to his neck as if preventing oneself from dropping off a mile high precipice.

"Must get air," he managed to choke. Cat paid no attention at all to his frantic protests and managed to completely cut off his air circulation, successfully making him black out. Deciding that leaving her there was a safer option rather than prying her off, they left her to kill…hug Ulquiorra. Yeah, things were normal again.

A/N: Okay, we really, really tried not to overdo things but…our minds apparently love crack too much. We're sorry if we offended you, Cat. We did warn you that watching people squirm is a favorite pastime. As for readers, if you answer Trivia, bear in mind that this is what will happen to you. If you like your character being exaggerated, please answer. If you're easily insulted, please don't.

Preview of Inner Child-coming soon and co-authored by The Eville Pie and Demon-Pixie:

Nuisance. That was what she was. A huge migraine in the shape of an overly hyper five year old with pink hair. The devil incarnate.

At least that was what he thought now, as he glumly stared at the ever growing pile of paperwork in front of him. If only that idiot hadn't gone and burnt down the whole left wing of his division (thank Gami no one was injured) he wouldn't be completing the meticulous task of filling papers for replacement. That little nuisance with horrible pink hair…

End Preview.

Lets proceed to Parody Thingy:

Cat:…0.0

Demon-Pixie: How do you make a face by talking?

Pei: Um…you don't. We're typing.

Cat: No comment.

Pei: Didn't you just comment?

Cat: That doesn't count 'cause I'm stating that I do not want to speak with you.

Demon-Pixie: Yeah, Pei. She doesn't want to speak to you.

Pei: Shut up and die.

Cat: SUFFOCATION BY CLEAVAGE!

…

Pei: NO! NOT AGAIN! I ALREADY HAD ENOUGH OF THAT FROM A CERTAIN AIRHEADED LIEUTENANT! WHY IS EVERYONE CONVERTING TO THE DARK SIDE? WHY GOD, WHY? *totally forgets the fact that no one was allowed to speak in Caps Lock*

Demon-Pixie:…well, I think you've finally gone insane. You do realize I'll have to follow your rules and kill you?

Pei: YOU'LL NEVER GET ME ALIVE-OR DEAD! BURN THEM ALL AKANE AYUMU! FIFTH DEATH: CHAIN OF FLAMES!

Demon-Pixie: Well then. I guess I'll release as well. Prick all with deadly thorns, Choubara!

*insert fight scene where both Pei and Demon-Pixie get beat up and almost die*

Pei: THAT WAS FUN! LETS DO IT AGAIN!

Demon-Pixie: HELL NO YOU BI-POLAR WOMAN! GET THAT SWORD AWAY FROM ME BITCH!

Pei: EXCUSE ME? DID YOU JUST CALL ME 'BITCH'? WELL SUCK IT UP, YOU HARE-BRAINED BASTARD AND WALLOW IN SELF PITY AS I SAW OFF YOUR FEET!

Cat: Maybe you should fight some place else, a few Arrancars are fainting…

Pei and Demon-Pixie: SHUT THE HELL UP DIPSHIT!

*another battle where both nearly die*

Cat: I think I'll go now…

Pei: GOODBYE!

Demon-Pixie: YEAH! LEAVE US TO FIGHT TO THE DEATH! LET'S GO AGAIN PEI!

Pei: ALREADY IN THE MOOD TO GET YOUR ASS KICKED?

*another battle where both faint from loss of blood*

Pei: *sleep talking* Brain…sushi…yum…


	15. Danku

"ALL ESPADA AND PEI TO THE ASSEMBLY HALL." Snore. As if sensing that the latter was probably not going to begrudge her beauty sleep for something as trivial as the Winter War, Aizen repeated what he said. This time, the mentioned Pei got up.

"What I really need now is a Latte," she grumbled as she grabbed her Zanpakuto and left, tripping over a lizard on the way. Grimmjow fell in step with her.

"Don't you look chipper," he smirked. He was rewarded with the hilt of Akane.

"And don't you look fugly." Grimmjow growled. Resisting from strangling Pei only by the fact that it was commonly known she didn't control her Reiastu well in the morning (yes, he really did want to be strangled with Reiastu), Grimmjow thought about the nice fights coming up. What fun. As if listening to his thoughts, Pei muttered something that sounded suspiciously like freak.

The meeting progressed, and all present fell into a state of horrible boredom. Actually, now that she thought about it, Soul Society was more fun-more people to prank, and more to kill. So tired…, Pei thought. Just gonna closed my eyes for a decade…

Aizen twitched. He knew he should have just let Pei drink the Latte. Then again, a sleeping thirteen year old was better than a hyper thirteen year old out to destroy the world. Never mind. Forget what he said. What was he thinking, creating a bunch of ultra-powerful 'children', rebelling with the most idiotic of all time homo sapiens, and now Pei? Damn it! He was supposed to be plotting world domination, not ranting in his mind! And all those people out there, expecting him to be the perfect bad guy, never failing once in his operation! Damn it!

There was an uncomfortable silence in the room as everyone watched Aizen bang his head on the wall. Ulquiorra finally decided to initiate Aizen to the emo club.

"Here," he said, as he tossed Aizen a knife made of spirit particles. More twitching and coughing. Deciding that facing that problem right then and there would be a waste of valuable plotting time, the former Captain of Squad five surveyed the room.

"Any ideas?" Aizen asked.

"Just set up a Danku in the desert," Pei answered impatiently, having been woken up from her nap by the nasty crunching sound of the wall when Aizen killed it. Aizen blinked. He had never thought of that.

"Okay," he said uncertainly as the Espada and Pei trouped out the room. Pei smirked. She had her own overcomplicated yet somewhat simple plan to set in motion. It was time to rebel. To the blood. No, she will not explain the plan to you and demands you to watch and learn.

As you know, all good plans begin with sake.

Orihime stared at her. It was commonly known that Pei was a ruthless genius…but perhaps this was a bit far. Not to mention the decorations would be rather painful…literally.

"Um…Pei-Chan, maybe 'extracting Aizen's entrails' would be going a bit far." Pei smirked.

"Of course it would! That's the whole point of me saying it to you. If you were on Aizen's side, you would have immediately reported," she replied. The plan was going perfectly. Orihime looked confused.

"But you want me to help in 'utterly destroying Las Nochles'?" Orihime continued. Pei sighed impatiently and nodded.

"You're not going to kill anyone right?" Or perhaps not so well. She hadn't counted on the brunette to be hesitant about blood. But that could be easily fixed. With a plan C. It was time to contact Grimmjow.

The battle crazed Espada stared at them, stunned. Why the hell would he rebel for the sake of some annoying thirteen year old? Until she said the ultimate line;

"You can't fight with Ichigo if he's dead." Possessed with the desire to murder strawberries and feast upon their flesh, the candy floss haired guy readily agreed to donate a couple bottles of sake. After all, the world could do with a few less dudes with god complex. And more strawberries to fight.

Somewhere in the world, an alien sighed. What was all this talk about fighting fruits anyways?

Once again, all good plans begin with sake.

Pei smiled to herself, silently celebrating her success. Now all she had to do was…something. It was a simple process in the overcomplicated plot, really. All she had to do was swap a few teapots' contents with sake and convince Gin to turn traitor-again. It shouldn't be that hard. We mean; there was a certain person in Squad Ten whose name rhymes with Latsumoto Lagiku. This certain person did not happen to be Matsumoto Rangiku. There was just a coincidence in the rhyming.

As expected, Gin joined in (as suggested by the many bras stolen from that particular person whose name rhymed with Latsumoto Lagiku). Now, all they had to do was wait.

Aizen was a lightweight. He was such a lightweight, that he got drunk off the fume of sake flavored candy. Now, imagine him drinking a whole teapot's contents of sake. He was not drunk at all. He was fucking wasted.

"Hehehe, just gonna pour myshelf shome more of tat yummy teaa~" Aizen sang. The teapot missed the cup by about two feet and clattered wildly to the floor.

"Opsies! Looks like I mished!" Later on, a sign was put in front of his room by the Las Nochles maintenance that read:

Warning: Very drunk leader with god complex within. Do not enter within the time frame of a year.

Now all that remained on Pei's to do list was:

1. To tie Aizen up like a piñata

2. To convince the Espadas to switch sides

3. Decorate the whole palace

4. Break the Danku in the desert and welcome everyone.

It shouldn't be that hard, right?

…sometime later…

The Espada only stared blankly. Pei sighed. She had wasted four hours of her life to listen to these idiots. It seemed that she had to revise her plans. On to plan D: bind the Espada with Kido and ropes and also hang them a piñatas. As if sensing that they were about to be killed, the Espada sprinted away at top speed. Pei twitched. She was tired. Running did not seem welcoming. So guess what she did? She burnt the hallway down and buried the unfortunate Espada…somehow, we get the feeling your not that surprised.

Las Nochles resembled a party taking place somewhere in Mexico. Burritos, tacos, and other assorted Mexican food lay on the counters, the Espada and Aizen were tied up like piñatas, and everything was perfect. Except for one thing. They had no clue how to break a Danku.

A/N: Sorry for the delay! *checks calendar* two more months til we're officially free! Don't go cart racing in Walmart.

Parody Thingy:

Pei: Burn them all, Akane Ayumu! *tries to break Danku and fails*

Gin: Shoot to death, Shinsou! *also fails*

Akane: Hadou 54: Haien! *fails*

Pei: What do we do now? The party won't start until there are more people here!

Gin: All that preparation gone to waste…*wails*

Akane: I get the feeling we forgot something…

Gin: Oh yeah, TOUSEN! BREAK THE DANKU FOR US!

Tousen: Why? The path of justice does not permit me to help people that forgot about me until they could make use of me.

Pei: Are you sure? Do you really want to turn into a human fountain?

Tousen:…fine. *hacks blindly-no pun intended*

All others:…Do you even know how to?

Tousen: No.


	16. Damning Aizen

Meanwhile, on the other side of the Danku, the Seireitei crew was getting impatient. Yamamoto even briefly toyed with the idea of going Bankai. His mind was changed in the next millisecond when he looked at the barrier and decided it would be a complete waste of one millionth of his Reiastu. What a stingy old man. He didn't have the time to be considering such trivial things, however, as he noted with some disgust that most Captains had lost their tempers and begun attacking the barrier madly with their Bankai. To think he was in league with these weaklings. The shame of it all threatened to crush him.

Ukitake, the only one faintly resembling normal walked next to him. There was a reason why he had always been Yamamoto's favorite instead of Kyoraku, whom he now observed to be chasing after Nanao instead of trying to break the Danku. Suddenly, Kurosaki popped up.

"You know, Yama-Jii," he said slowly, "if you had never forbid the technique, this would have never happened seeing as how to break and use it would be common knowledge." Unwilling to admit that he had been defeated in both philosophy and words by an insect with carrot hair, the old man's hand twitched towards his beloved _bonfire_ companion. Sensing that he would soon be reduced to a pile of ashes (again) if he did not run, Ichigo disappeared, leaving the old man to his thoughts. He supposed that he could afford a few more blows to his dignity.

"Yoruichi," he called. The goddess of flash appeared out of nowhere.

"You called old man?" she asked with a fake smile. Yamamoto sighed. He was never going to live this down.

"Please call Tessai and request him to destroy this insufferable barrier." Unfortunately, he didn't know that on the other side of the barrier, three demons had gone Bankai and was busy figuring out the barrier's weak points.

On the other side of the ever annoying Danku, the three demons tested spot after spot. Until Gin suggested a rather interesting theory.

"That's rather odd," he said as they could seemingly find no weak point. This was strange; advanced Kido such as Danku usually had multiple weak spots. Unless Aizen had set up a light refractor type Kido as well. Damn. Pei couldn't believe that the bastard had actually fooled her. Without saying a word to the others, she ignored the thin glass like material in front of her and instead, searched for a break in the Reiastu flow of the desert. Before long, she had found it. The others gawked as she seemed to be striking air with her Zanpakuto.

"Are you sure that's it?" asked Akane. Pei nodded.

"Just watch," she said. Just at that moment, the barrier broke, revealing the faces of a very shocked Gotei 13. Gin laughed nervously. They seemed to have a bit of explaining to do.

A/N: Sorry! We were under surveillance because Demon-Pixie's brother tattled on us sneaking around on the computer. So now we have to wait until everyone's gone to go on.

Parody Thingy:

A whispered conversation ensued, hushing all who came near.

Ichigo: Who's had enough of this torture?

All except for a few of Pei's insane friends: Me.

Yamamoto: Alright. We all agree that Pei needs to go.

All: Yes.

Akane: What were you saying?

Gin: I think that they were trying to get rid of Pei.

Akane: *whispers* Want some entertainment?

Gin: *smirks and pulls out cell phone* Pei? A bunch of idiots are trying to plot rebellion.

Pei: So, suckers, who's the first to die?

All: *looks at each other and runs*

Pei: Damn. They always run. Oh well. I'll just have to wait until the next chapter.


	17. Chapter 17

You may remember from before that the shocked faces of the Gotei 13 appeared. And Gin thought that they had a lot of explaining to do. Well, unfortunately, they didn't have to as they were met with an onslaught of Zanpakuto releases, Bankai, and even some Kido thrown in. Gin tried with miserable failure to go Bankai himself. Even he could not hold off the entire Gotei 13 with a mere Shikai. Knowing this, he glared accusingly at Pei.

"Why can't I go Bankai?" he growled. Pei sighed, annoyed. It wasn't as if she had made up the rules of fan fiction! Just because she used to be the author of this story (before she relinquished control of it) doesn't mean that she could make up random rules whenever she wanted to (like raining chocolate and snowing ice cream).

"Because, you ungrateful wretch," Pei snarled, "The rules of fan fiction for Mary Sue writers state that whatever is not known, is assumed. But, if the author is not a Mary Sue and wholeheartedly detests them, then they must leave the unknown alone and hope that it will later be revealed in the book/Manga." Gin did not appear very happy at this news. Instead, he had a look of horror/revulsion/anger on his face. No, he did not have a horde of angry Shinigami (did we mention elite?) after him with murder on their minds. What could possibly be wrong with this very bloody, stupid, pointless day spent setting up a party that would never be acknowledged now?

Somewhere in the world, a random person reading this laughed. Then pictured Gin in fox ears. Then drooled. Then cried because they sensed that Gin was going to spend a long time in the power of the ever feared Braid Lady (Unohana). Afterwards, they got mad that we read their electromagnetic waves and posted this on fan fiction.*

Oh on, we wandered off topic again. As we were saying, a bunch of Bankai, Shikai, and Kido all flew at once towards the three demons. By now, they were beginning to regret breaking that dreaded Danku.

"If only we had a jabberwocky," Pei muttered. Suddenly, a jabberwocky flew into the story with Alice chasing after with the Opal Sword. Pei stared while everyone's jaws dropped open. Unlike the other idiots, she knew what this meant. The control of the story had returned to her. And suddenly, she signaled to Akane Ayumu to return to sword form. Lugging the Zanpakuto that was almost the same height as her, she twisted on the spot and disappeared in a flash of red smoke. The brawl immediately stopped.

A note dropped out of the sky.

_Not so dear people from Bleach), _

_I have regained control of this story. I'm going to be leaving you alone for a while. See you when I become too bored and have nothing better to do than to bother you. __再见__. _

Everyone stared. A second later, a sleek, black, notebook dropped out of the sky. On it, read…something. We're not going to tell you what it is, but, FIND OUT IN THE SEQUEL!

_Fin_

A/N: Finished :)

Hello peeps! The amazing story you have come to know as Chronicles of Sake is now concluded. Look forward to the sequel Killing Games! It might not come out soon but it definitely will sometime! Let's Play Matchmaker is now deleted! Just in case your wondering.


End file.
